Love this essay! To be a creative is to act on our desires. I've been writing exactly what I feel like ever since graduating from my career. Nothing is so freeing as doing just as you please. And I'm on a mission to share that joy - hence my new book publishing 8/29/24, "Write & Sell a Well-Seasoned Romance."
Hello Anne, I stumbled upon your blog this morning-but I'm convinced it really found me:)
I moved to a different state alone 8 years ago (at age 45) to begin a new chapter. I had raised three children and been divorced forever- it was time for me. This journey has been amazing; full of learning to put myself first, rediscovering my true potential and welcoming new beginnings.
Your post captured me and I found myself nodding along with everything. Yup, that's me and that's me too!
Thank you for sharing your heart and your writing to celebrate women in all our glory!
Hi there, found my way to your work through another writers note. Have you come across Glynnis MacNicol? Her first memoir is No One Tells You This and her most recent is I’m Mostly Here To Enjoy Myself. I’m not too far into the latter as it just was released, but it’s about choosing pleasure, or “the pursuit of enjoyment” as the blurb says, and it seems in line with your discussion of desire. Thank you for sharing your perspective!
Love this Anne. For years I was part of a group of women friends who celebrated growing old disgracefully in our 40s. Then one member died in her early 50s and another friend died. This challenged me. I knew I was very unhappy and lived my life on the busy treadmill of the academy and children. I leaped and left my academic life behind in my mid 50s because it was stifling me. I was following some mystery that I called following my desire lines. Now I’m writing and doing my art. Not with any outcome in mind. I didn’t want the ego to grasp hold of this precious unfolding part of me. It’s taken me years to say ‘I want’ and ‘I desire’. Now I say it. I want to publish my memoir, my poetry. I want to exhibit my painting and textile arts. I want to learn to sculpt. Thank you. 🙏
The subject of women's desire becomes even more taboo as we age. That's why so-called "Seasoned Romance," in publisher parlance, consists of love stories with women in their forties--or even thirties. My books consistently feature vivid, sexy women in their sixties and up. I see writing these stories as a fun way to subvert the dominant paradigm. And the more of us doing it, the merrier!
Teaching an except from Sara Ahmed’s Living a Feminist Life this week and this quote reminded me of this thread: “But a feminist life is also a going back, retrieving parts of ourselves we did not even realize we had, that we did not even realize we had put on hold. We can hold each other by not putting ourselves on hold.”
Although I am a writer of prose, the muses who give me the best insights into articulating desires are all poets: June Jordan (Directed by Desire); Ellen Bass (Indigo), Carolyn Kizer (Mermaids in the Basement). Eavan Boland. Leanne O'Sullivan. Audre Lord. Ruth Stone. But I've also found doors opening in the works of Joan Didion, Annie Dillard, Anaïs Nin, Rebecca Solnit. Not necessarily expressions of the erotic. but of the unique longings of women.
In March 2020 my friend Carolyn called from her retirement community to complain about their stringent lockdown. Like everyone there, Carolyn had paid well into the six figures to buy in, but now they were told that if they left the grounds and returned without a note from a doctor's appointment, they would not be let back in. What worried her was not the prospect of disease, nor the potential loss of her investment. "What will this do to my dating life?" she asked. I took this as a challenge and spent my lockdown writing "The Erotic Pandemic Ball," a collection of linked stories about women in a senior community and their trysts with time travelers, friendly vampires, and visitors from a parallel universe. Now expanded to "The Erotic Pandemic Collection," it's a book that explores older women's desires. Thanks for asking!
Thanks! Enjoyed reading this, and it's such an interesting question.
I happened to read this at around the same time as a post by @Austin Kleon where he highlights a 1934 book by a writer named Marion Milner focusing on the same question (or a very closely related one). I had never heard of her or her book ("A Life of One's Own), and it was interesting to read about. Apparently Auden and others were fans. The link to the discussion is here: https://substack.com/home/post/p-143265139?r=2u2cxe&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
But the first thing that came to mind when I read your essay was. oddly enough, a lighthearted novel -- I Capture the Castle, by Dodie Smith. I haven't read it in decades, but I think that there is a scene in which the main character, who is in her late teens or early 20s, knows what she wants and isn't able to get it. Another character, a woman who is considerably older, tells her that she herself has managed her disappointments by sublimating her desires into service to others. The main character briefly considers this approach and then rejects it, heartily cheered on by the reader, as I recall. Just a tiny moment in a book that I don't remember so well, but it seemed on point so I'm mentioning it anyway :)
Ooh--And I just saw the link to the piece by Jessa Crispin in Kleon's post. Looks juicy! I love her writing. "What Makes You Happy? What Do You Want to Do With Your LIfe?"
Thanks, Linnesby, for pointing out Austin Kleon's post! I have read about Milner's book (from the same Marginalian post, I believe). I'd like to read it sometime. And I LOVE what you bring up from I Capture the Castle! Women have been sublimating their desires through service to others for eons. What crap! :)
Anne, this post, and my reading it today is fitting and very helpful as I’ve just begun a newsletter on the topic of longing, which can be another word for desire. I want to talk about the importance of paying attention to your longings and also about how you can drown in longing if you haven’t got a way to say “yes” to your desires. I agree that you can’t say yes, if you don’t have a self to form the words, to say, “this is what I want.” Your words here are another reminder for me to continue to say yes and to continue to ask myself what I want, because I can. The books look great!
Hi Emily--Sounds like we are on a similar line of thought. Desire, Longing, yearning are such a huge topic, with so many layers. I look forward to seeing your post as well!
This post and the previous, about telling our truths, really struck home with me. I once desperately wanted a child, but after years of struggling with infertility was forced to accept that it wasn't going to happen. I felt like an epic fail. My therapist at the time asked me if I had ever considered whether my desire for a baby might be a desire for a life of my own. That was my light bulb moment. Ultimately, I left my marriage. I wanted a do-over. To start again with a clean slate. To reinvent myself. I agree that sometimes it's hard to know what you want. But you might very well know what you don't want. I retired about a year and a half ago. It was both amusing and annoying how many people asked me what I was going to do. I had no master plan. But I knew it was time for me to go. Retiring was an act of radical self-care. Knowing what you don't want is freeing in its own way. But this discussion of what DO we want feels much more expansive and forward looking. And for that I thank you.
Hello Robin--Thank you so much for sharing this! I desperately wanted a second child. Your therapists question is profound. I was able to give up that yearning when I got a grant to write my biography of Constance Fenimore Woolson, and then I started focusing on writing. And I completely relate to retirement as a radical act of self-care. So true! I’m so glad you enjoyed the post and I’m glad to have you along for the ride!
I feel there’s a real momentum gaining around this topic of women’s wanting. A book that I found really interesting is The Vital Spark by Lisa Marchiano. It talks about the instinctual energies that we’ve “outlawed” including desire.
No wonder the question "what do you want?" is baffling. There are desires, but also goals, needs, plans or strategies for life: so much under this umbrella definition of wishing for something that is not (yet) part of the status quo. And that's a fair question to ask ourselves, because it invites us to ponder which of these things are tools or instruments instead of true desires, and for what? Social acceptance? Inborn schemata of success and fulfilment? Emotional need? Identity and self-image?
So much of the conversation around "what we want" has become commercial, by making ourselves a commodity and our lives a business strategy. It's easy to say "I'd like a house by the sea" but is that really what you want, or is it an image of success produced and fed by the society? It's also easy to have aspirations and then set goals like a business manager - but are those desires?
Great points Zoe! I’ve realized this is why I sold nearly everything I had and left for Europe on a one-way ticket. I wanted to leave my old life and old self behind, to wipe the slate clean, as much as I could, and figure out what was me and what wasn’t me. At 53, with my daughter going off to college, it was time. One thing I discovered is that I have a deep desire to be near the sea. I had spent my whole life far away from any water but rivers and never knew how much the sea speaks to me. I want to spend as much time as I can near to it, even if I can’t afford to ever have that cottage by the sea.
I can very well relate to that. I'm 55 and moved here 3 years ago, longing for nature (woods, mountains, pastures, vines, orchards) and a vibrant local culture. I wanted to BE in such a place. So good to hear that others make similar choices :)
Thanks Anne for initiating this conversation which is obviously very timely and meaningful for many of us!!
I feel I have some different perspectives on Desire's place in our lives. Partly, because over the last 25 years, I have been able to fulfil my desire for solitude and writing, amidst the dedication to a marriage, to friendships and community and to work as an educator and writing mentor. One thing that has allowed me this has been a supportive husband who has always understood the necessity and nourishment of my writing life. However, in choosing to prioritize writing (as well as other forms of art and self-nourishment: dance, visual art, yoga, meditation), I have chosen to let go of other desires: a bigger income; owning my own home; children of my own, and annual global travel. Not that I am saying we can't have all that we desire. But I have not figured out how to have it ALL.
On that note, a business coach a number of years ago (as well as meditation teacher more recently) invited me to consider that under any desire, is a deeper desire and then under that one, an even deeper one. This has come even more sharply into focus in the last four years. Since my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson's, and I have become a caregiver, I have been challenged to discern which Desires are meant to be followed and which to be sublimated and/ or pursued in alternative ways. I have learned to look closely at what I desire and then, to consider how I can shift my perception in such a way that it allows me to experience that Desire as instantaneously fulfilled. (I wonder too, how Desire is cultivated through the social and the capitalist systems.)
Curiously, this morning, as I sat eating my breakfast, I watched a hummingbird sipping nectar from the new feeder. A feeling of elation came. Although my life looks so different than how I had planned, with much less books published by now, (I turned 57 in February), still not owning my own home, and being limited in travel due to caring for my husband. Elation and satiation. Because I have gleaned the Desires underneath the other Desires. Often simpler and more available. Such as my own generous attention, which is exactly what I have been giving myself since early this morning, (it's now almost 2pm), alone in my study, writing.
Love this. The desire under the desire and the deeper layers. We live in a capitalist society that says we must look outward for our desires to be met. But there you are satiated with your own generous attentive listening.
Thank you for this! Delving beneath desire is such an interesting idea--I am definitely going to try this. I've been focused on my values--thinking about desire, and these desires beneath desires is going to be an interesting experience.
Dear Ahava, this is such a beautiful meditation on desire! We often do have to make choices between desires that may not happily coexist. I love what you say as well about recognizing our most fundamental desires and how we can fulfill them. Also the idea of looking beneath our desires to find what our deepest desires are. My deepest desire, I have realized, is for connection. As I suspect it is for most of us. I have sought out ways of satisying that desire and finding it in small moments--like the hummingbird at your feeder, or watching kittiwakes feeding in the bay, as I did from my window yesterday. A moment of contact with another species is so profound. It makes us feel alive. Also making contact with our deeper selves. Solitude and writing help us to do that. Thank you for reminding me of our deeper desires and how they can be satisfied in small ways. What a beautiful gift this morning!
Anne--my goodness, each new post seems to speak to me, matching what I'm feeling and experiencing. This one, in particularly, hits hard. I'm less than a month away from the end of my final semester as a tenured professor. B and I are in the process of selling everything, packing, solidifying our Master Plan: leaving the United States and headed South of the Border.
The hardest question for me to think about, let alone answer--yet the one that gives me the greatest anxiety and overwhelms me with fear--is "What do I want to do? What do I want?" And what is blocking me from answering those questions? That what I'm doing is selfish, foolish, unwise. That I'm leaving without a solid plan, even though the reason I don't have a solid plan is because academia negates this kind of self-exploration, navigating fear and waning confidence. I know I can do many things and do them well, but there's the loud voice screaming in my ear: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO DO ANY OF THIS! Here I am, 10 days from my 57th birthday, still doubting myself.
Good grief.
And yet . . . . I don't feel fearful to post here. That hopefully I can figure out exactly what path(s) I want to take. I've convinced myself that I cannot write, that I have nothing to say. And to say this in the third decade of the 21st century is heartbreaking, especially when I'm finishing up teaching a course on 19th C American women writers titled Subversive Women in Literature.
So here goes at my first stab articulating what I want, in no particular order:
1. To live a life of wonder and exploration in Mexico and hopefully Europe with B (my spouse
2. To challenge myself and learn another language--in this case, Spanish. (I've internalized both ageist ideas that I'm too old to learn something as difficult as a new language);
3. To be comfortable with and celebrate my physical body and its strengths;
4. To coach new and experience instructors to become more confident teachers, adopting progressive pedagogy and radical self-care (what Cate Denial calls a pedagogy of kindness);
5. To write about my teaching life on Substack and hope that a few people might find it interesting and worthwhile; and I also want to write about the connection between teaching, pursuing new ideas, and cooking (is there such a connection? I've had pushback from many in academia who bristle when I tell them that cooking and creating meals is relaxing....) I also just want to write about what I reading (mostly women, mostly women of color).
6. To get out of my head and live actively, gratefully, and just feel alive again.
I hope I'll be able to figure all of this out over the next year.
Rebecca, well done. I left academia in my mid 50s because it stifled me, silenced me. I was teaching about liberation and d pedagogy and it was too much. When I left I had a screaming critical voice telling me I was mad that I’d made a big mistake. I’m writing about it now. I’ve had a rich other life now.
Oh my, Rebecca! I feel such joy reading this response!! And sadness, too, about the self-doubts and voices in your head, voices I know so well. Mine have told me I will never be able to write a novel anyone will want to read, for instance. And they were telling me not to publish this post, in fact, that people will think it's stupid. Sigh. But they were wrong. And yours are wrong too! And look at all of the exciting things you want to do! I know you will do them all, in time. You are going through such a beautiful transformation, although the road will be bumpy at times, I have no doubt. But the rewards will be many!! We should definitely catch up when you have time. I know things right now must be so busy and a little harried. But all leading to a brave new world for you and B! I'm so happy you are taking this leap and can't wait to hear all about it.
Ah, I love your Scottish cottage dream! My kids are teens, so I can only see as far as the next few years through school for them, but then -- who knows? (See there: I'm doing the female thing again. How to avoid it while raising kids continues to elude me.) I think the point you make about claiming our desires first so that we can write or make art is really essential. It's also why I'm grateful for the structure of Substack as a free platform where writers can explore and experiment as long as it takes for those desires to find their way through all the training and obligations and and and.
It eluded me too, while my daugther was still at home. I began planning during her junior year and left when she went off to college. Our kids do come first. I didn't even go there in this post. We live so much for our kids, though, that when they leave we can feel lost. Just anticipating the day she would leave left me feeling so empty of purpose and drive. And I knew I had to find out how to live for myself again! And I love what you say about exploring our desires in our writing here on Substack. I think I've been doing that as well.
This really resonates. I was lost and heartbroken when my daughter left for college. With my son still at home I started dreaming of escaping my treadmill life. And within a year I had left my well paid job in the academy because it was killing me, stifling me, silencing me. I was trying to fit into the patriarchy and I decided no life is too short. I left and was lost wandering for a few years bum writing about it now. I’m calling it the necessary descent, the heroines journey is always an interior one. I had to slay the internal dragon that said I was nothing without my job. I had no value. I had to find value in my desire lines.
Love this essay! To be a creative is to act on our desires. I've been writing exactly what I feel like ever since graduating from my career. Nothing is so freeing as doing just as you please. And I'm on a mission to share that joy - hence my new book publishing 8/29/24, "Write & Sell a Well-Seasoned Romance."
Hello Anne, I stumbled upon your blog this morning-but I'm convinced it really found me:)
I moved to a different state alone 8 years ago (at age 45) to begin a new chapter. I had raised three children and been divorced forever- it was time for me. This journey has been amazing; full of learning to put myself first, rediscovering my true potential and welcoming new beginnings.
Your post captured me and I found myself nodding along with everything. Yup, that's me and that's me too!
Thank you for sharing your heart and your writing to celebrate women in all our glory!
Cheers to us!
Aww, yes, cheers to us! :)
Hi there, found my way to your work through another writers note. Have you come across Glynnis MacNicol? Her first memoir is No One Tells You This and her most recent is I’m Mostly Here To Enjoy Myself. I’m not too far into the latter as it just was released, but it’s about choosing pleasure, or “the pursuit of enjoyment” as the blurb says, and it seems in line with your discussion of desire. Thank you for sharing your perspective!
Love this Anne. For years I was part of a group of women friends who celebrated growing old disgracefully in our 40s. Then one member died in her early 50s and another friend died. This challenged me. I knew I was very unhappy and lived my life on the busy treadmill of the academy and children. I leaped and left my academic life behind in my mid 50s because it was stifling me. I was following some mystery that I called following my desire lines. Now I’m writing and doing my art. Not with any outcome in mind. I didn’t want the ego to grasp hold of this precious unfolding part of me. It’s taken me years to say ‘I want’ and ‘I desire’. Now I say it. I want to publish my memoir, my poetry. I want to exhibit my painting and textile arts. I want to learn to sculpt. Thank you. 🙏
This is beautiful, Anne. (Nice name. :) I love how you have taken charge of your life and followed your desire lines!
The subject of women's desire becomes even more taboo as we age. That's why so-called "Seasoned Romance," in publisher parlance, consists of love stories with women in their forties--or even thirties. My books consistently feature vivid, sexy women in their sixties and up. I see writing these stories as a fun way to subvert the dominant paradigm. And the more of us doing it, the merrier!
I would love to hear more about your books.
Evelyn, see stellafosse.com 😊
Great point Stella! Sounds like you are doing important work!
Thanks! And my new guidebook to create, edit, publish and market Seasoned Romance is up for pre-order…
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0D7XCYBRN?ref_=pe_93986420_775043100
Teaching an except from Sara Ahmed’s Living a Feminist Life this week and this quote reminded me of this thread: “But a feminist life is also a going back, retrieving parts of ourselves we did not even realize we had, that we did not even realize we had put on hold. We can hold each other by not putting ourselves on hold.”
That’s, lovely, Ally. And so true!
Although I am a writer of prose, the muses who give me the best insights into articulating desires are all poets: June Jordan (Directed by Desire); Ellen Bass (Indigo), Carolyn Kizer (Mermaids in the Basement). Eavan Boland. Leanne O'Sullivan. Audre Lord. Ruth Stone. But I've also found doors opening in the works of Joan Didion, Annie Dillard, Anaïs Nin, Rebecca Solnit. Not necessarily expressions of the erotic. but of the unique longings of women.
This is quite the reading list you’ve given us, Julie. I love it! Thank you for reminding me of these writers!
In March 2020 my friend Carolyn called from her retirement community to complain about their stringent lockdown. Like everyone there, Carolyn had paid well into the six figures to buy in, but now they were told that if they left the grounds and returned without a note from a doctor's appointment, they would not be let back in. What worried her was not the prospect of disease, nor the potential loss of her investment. "What will this do to my dating life?" she asked. I took this as a challenge and spent my lockdown writing "The Erotic Pandemic Ball," a collection of linked stories about women in a senior community and their trysts with time travelers, friendly vampires, and visitors from a parallel universe. Now expanded to "The Erotic Pandemic Collection," it's a book that explores older women's desires. Thanks for asking!
Sounds exciting, Stella! We need more stories of women’s desires, particularly older women!
Thanks! Enjoyed reading this, and it's such an interesting question.
I happened to read this at around the same time as a post by @Austin Kleon where he highlights a 1934 book by a writer named Marion Milner focusing on the same question (or a very closely related one). I had never heard of her or her book ("A Life of One's Own), and it was interesting to read about. Apparently Auden and others were fans. The link to the discussion is here: https://substack.com/home/post/p-143265139?r=2u2cxe&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
But the first thing that came to mind when I read your essay was. oddly enough, a lighthearted novel -- I Capture the Castle, by Dodie Smith. I haven't read it in decades, but I think that there is a scene in which the main character, who is in her late teens or early 20s, knows what she wants and isn't able to get it. Another character, a woman who is considerably older, tells her that she herself has managed her disappointments by sublimating her desires into service to others. The main character briefly considers this approach and then rejects it, heartily cheered on by the reader, as I recall. Just a tiny moment in a book that I don't remember so well, but it seemed on point so I'm mentioning it anyway :)
I love this book.
Ooh--And I just saw the link to the piece by Jessa Crispin in Kleon's post. Looks juicy! I love her writing. "What Makes You Happy? What Do You Want to Do With Your LIfe?"
https://www.thesmartset.com/article03011201/
Thanks, Linnesby, for pointing out Austin Kleon's post! I have read about Milner's book (from the same Marginalian post, I believe). I'd like to read it sometime. And I LOVE what you bring up from I Capture the Castle! Women have been sublimating their desires through service to others for eons. What crap! :)
Anne, this post, and my reading it today is fitting and very helpful as I’ve just begun a newsletter on the topic of longing, which can be another word for desire. I want to talk about the importance of paying attention to your longings and also about how you can drown in longing if you haven’t got a way to say “yes” to your desires. I agree that you can’t say yes, if you don’t have a self to form the words, to say, “this is what I want.” Your words here are another reminder for me to continue to say yes and to continue to ask myself what I want, because I can. The books look great!
Hi Emily--Sounds like we are on a similar line of thought. Desire, Longing, yearning are such a huge topic, with so many layers. I look forward to seeing your post as well!
Thanks Anne. I think we are!
This post and the previous, about telling our truths, really struck home with me. I once desperately wanted a child, but after years of struggling with infertility was forced to accept that it wasn't going to happen. I felt like an epic fail. My therapist at the time asked me if I had ever considered whether my desire for a baby might be a desire for a life of my own. That was my light bulb moment. Ultimately, I left my marriage. I wanted a do-over. To start again with a clean slate. To reinvent myself. I agree that sometimes it's hard to know what you want. But you might very well know what you don't want. I retired about a year and a half ago. It was both amusing and annoying how many people asked me what I was going to do. I had no master plan. But I knew it was time for me to go. Retiring was an act of radical self-care. Knowing what you don't want is freeing in its own way. But this discussion of what DO we want feels much more expansive and forward looking. And for that I thank you.
Yes! Retiring is an act of radical self-care.
Hello Robin--Thank you so much for sharing this! I desperately wanted a second child. Your therapists question is profound. I was able to give up that yearning when I got a grant to write my biography of Constance Fenimore Woolson, and then I started focusing on writing. And I completely relate to retirement as a radical act of self-care. So true! I’m so glad you enjoyed the post and I’m glad to have you along for the ride!
I feel there’s a real momentum gaining around this topic of women’s wanting. A book that I found really interesting is The Vital Spark by Lisa Marchiano. It talks about the instinctual energies that we’ve “outlawed” including desire.
Thanks for the book recommendation, Priya! And thanks for reading. :)
No wonder the question "what do you want?" is baffling. There are desires, but also goals, needs, plans or strategies for life: so much under this umbrella definition of wishing for something that is not (yet) part of the status quo. And that's a fair question to ask ourselves, because it invites us to ponder which of these things are tools or instruments instead of true desires, and for what? Social acceptance? Inborn schemata of success and fulfilment? Emotional need? Identity and self-image?
So much of the conversation around "what we want" has become commercial, by making ourselves a commodity and our lives a business strategy. It's easy to say "I'd like a house by the sea" but is that really what you want, or is it an image of success produced and fed by the society? It's also easy to have aspirations and then set goals like a business manager - but are those desires?
Great points Zoe! I’ve realized this is why I sold nearly everything I had and left for Europe on a one-way ticket. I wanted to leave my old life and old self behind, to wipe the slate clean, as much as I could, and figure out what was me and what wasn’t me. At 53, with my daughter going off to college, it was time. One thing I discovered is that I have a deep desire to be near the sea. I had spent my whole life far away from any water but rivers and never knew how much the sea speaks to me. I want to spend as much time as I can near to it, even if I can’t afford to ever have that cottage by the sea.
I can very well relate to that. I'm 55 and moved here 3 years ago, longing for nature (woods, mountains, pastures, vines, orchards) and a vibrant local culture. I wanted to BE in such a place. So good to hear that others make similar choices :)
Thanks Anne for initiating this conversation which is obviously very timely and meaningful for many of us!!
I feel I have some different perspectives on Desire's place in our lives. Partly, because over the last 25 years, I have been able to fulfil my desire for solitude and writing, amidst the dedication to a marriage, to friendships and community and to work as an educator and writing mentor. One thing that has allowed me this has been a supportive husband who has always understood the necessity and nourishment of my writing life. However, in choosing to prioritize writing (as well as other forms of art and self-nourishment: dance, visual art, yoga, meditation), I have chosen to let go of other desires: a bigger income; owning my own home; children of my own, and annual global travel. Not that I am saying we can't have all that we desire. But I have not figured out how to have it ALL.
On that note, a business coach a number of years ago (as well as meditation teacher more recently) invited me to consider that under any desire, is a deeper desire and then under that one, an even deeper one. This has come even more sharply into focus in the last four years. Since my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson's, and I have become a caregiver, I have been challenged to discern which Desires are meant to be followed and which to be sublimated and/ or pursued in alternative ways. I have learned to look closely at what I desire and then, to consider how I can shift my perception in such a way that it allows me to experience that Desire as instantaneously fulfilled. (I wonder too, how Desire is cultivated through the social and the capitalist systems.)
Curiously, this morning, as I sat eating my breakfast, I watched a hummingbird sipping nectar from the new feeder. A feeling of elation came. Although my life looks so different than how I had planned, with much less books published by now, (I turned 57 in February), still not owning my own home, and being limited in travel due to caring for my husband. Elation and satiation. Because I have gleaned the Desires underneath the other Desires. Often simpler and more available. Such as my own generous attention, which is exactly what I have been giving myself since early this morning, (it's now almost 2pm), alone in my study, writing.
Love this. The desire under the desire and the deeper layers. We live in a capitalist society that says we must look outward for our desires to be met. But there you are satiated with your own generous attentive listening.
Thank you for this! Delving beneath desire is such an interesting idea--I am definitely going to try this. I've been focused on my values--thinking about desire, and these desires beneath desires is going to be an interesting experience.
Dear Ahava, this is such a beautiful meditation on desire! We often do have to make choices between desires that may not happily coexist. I love what you say as well about recognizing our most fundamental desires and how we can fulfill them. Also the idea of looking beneath our desires to find what our deepest desires are. My deepest desire, I have realized, is for connection. As I suspect it is for most of us. I have sought out ways of satisying that desire and finding it in small moments--like the hummingbird at your feeder, or watching kittiwakes feeding in the bay, as I did from my window yesterday. A moment of contact with another species is so profound. It makes us feel alive. Also making contact with our deeper selves. Solitude and writing help us to do that. Thank you for reminding me of our deeper desires and how they can be satisfied in small ways. What a beautiful gift this morning!
Anne--my goodness, each new post seems to speak to me, matching what I'm feeling and experiencing. This one, in particularly, hits hard. I'm less than a month away from the end of my final semester as a tenured professor. B and I are in the process of selling everything, packing, solidifying our Master Plan: leaving the United States and headed South of the Border.
The hardest question for me to think about, let alone answer--yet the one that gives me the greatest anxiety and overwhelms me with fear--is "What do I want to do? What do I want?" And what is blocking me from answering those questions? That what I'm doing is selfish, foolish, unwise. That I'm leaving without a solid plan, even though the reason I don't have a solid plan is because academia negates this kind of self-exploration, navigating fear and waning confidence. I know I can do many things and do them well, but there's the loud voice screaming in my ear: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO DO ANY OF THIS! Here I am, 10 days from my 57th birthday, still doubting myself.
Good grief.
And yet . . . . I don't feel fearful to post here. That hopefully I can figure out exactly what path(s) I want to take. I've convinced myself that I cannot write, that I have nothing to say. And to say this in the third decade of the 21st century is heartbreaking, especially when I'm finishing up teaching a course on 19th C American women writers titled Subversive Women in Literature.
So here goes at my first stab articulating what I want, in no particular order:
1. To live a life of wonder and exploration in Mexico and hopefully Europe with B (my spouse
2. To challenge myself and learn another language--in this case, Spanish. (I've internalized both ageist ideas that I'm too old to learn something as difficult as a new language);
3. To be comfortable with and celebrate my physical body and its strengths;
4. To coach new and experience instructors to become more confident teachers, adopting progressive pedagogy and radical self-care (what Cate Denial calls a pedagogy of kindness);
5. To write about my teaching life on Substack and hope that a few people might find it interesting and worthwhile; and I also want to write about the connection between teaching, pursuing new ideas, and cooking (is there such a connection? I've had pushback from many in academia who bristle when I tell them that cooking and creating meals is relaxing....) I also just want to write about what I reading (mostly women, mostly women of color).
6. To get out of my head and live actively, gratefully, and just feel alive again.
I hope I'll be able to figure all of this out over the next year.
Thank you for this space, Anne!
Rebecca, well done. I left academia in my mid 50s because it stifled me, silenced me. I was teaching about liberation and d pedagogy and it was too much. When I left I had a screaming critical voice telling me I was mad that I’d made a big mistake. I’m writing about it now. I’ve had a rich other life now.
Oh my, Rebecca! I feel such joy reading this response!! And sadness, too, about the self-doubts and voices in your head, voices I know so well. Mine have told me I will never be able to write a novel anyone will want to read, for instance. And they were telling me not to publish this post, in fact, that people will think it's stupid. Sigh. But they were wrong. And yours are wrong too! And look at all of the exciting things you want to do! I know you will do them all, in time. You are going through such a beautiful transformation, although the road will be bumpy at times, I have no doubt. But the rewards will be many!! We should definitely catch up when you have time. I know things right now must be so busy and a little harried. But all leading to a brave new world for you and B! I'm so happy you are taking this leap and can't wait to hear all about it.
Thank you so much, Anne! I'll be in touch about catching up!
(I just reread my comment--OY, THE TYPOS!!)
No worries! Substack doesn’t spell check, so it’s inevitable. :)
Ah, I love your Scottish cottage dream! My kids are teens, so I can only see as far as the next few years through school for them, but then -- who knows? (See there: I'm doing the female thing again. How to avoid it while raising kids continues to elude me.) I think the point you make about claiming our desires first so that we can write or make art is really essential. It's also why I'm grateful for the structure of Substack as a free platform where writers can explore and experiment as long as it takes for those desires to find their way through all the training and obligations and and and.
It eluded me too, while my daugther was still at home. I began planning during her junior year and left when she went off to college. Our kids do come first. I didn't even go there in this post. We live so much for our kids, though, that when they leave we can feel lost. Just anticipating the day she would leave left me feeling so empty of purpose and drive. And I knew I had to find out how to live for myself again! And I love what you say about exploring our desires in our writing here on Substack. I think I've been doing that as well.
This really resonates. I was lost and heartbroken when my daughter left for college. With my son still at home I started dreaming of escaping my treadmill life. And within a year I had left my well paid job in the academy because it was killing me, stifling me, silencing me. I was trying to fit into the patriarchy and I decided no life is too short. I left and was lost wandering for a few years bum writing about it now. I’m calling it the necessary descent, the heroines journey is always an interior one. I had to slay the internal dragon that said I was nothing without my job. I had no value. I had to find value in my desire lines.
LOVE this!
Capisce!