Anne, I am so enjoying your writing, and it’s not just you! I totally agree that our 50s can feel like adolescence. I thought you might appreciate this passage from my book (Divorce by Design: What if Staying and Leaving Aren’t Your Only Options?) about how divorce is like middle school:
Middle School All Over Again
It recently struck me that going through divorce can be a bit like going back to middle school. In other words, the worst. Both are times of drastic change. In both cases your body is transforming in disconcerting ways as it matures (middle school) or ages (divorce). Friendships are often evolving or in flux. Romantic or sexual feelings and experiences may be newly at play, or possibly at play again after the end of a marriage. In both cases, you may feel isolated and alone, worry about what others are thinking, be afraid you’ll screw things up, and spend time crying or raging with a temper that feels out of control. Right?
Although it was no picnic for either of my kids, August, in particular, went through some tough times in middle school. It was painful to watch, but I couldn’t fix it for him. Instead, I tried to be there to cheer him on as he worked through his feelings. One day, I asked him if he knew what AFGO stands for. He didn’t. I told him it stands for another fucking growth opportunity. (Yes, I used the f-word; sometimes it’s called for!) You don’t particularly want this kind of opportunity, but you will grow from it. Middle school and divorce are both like that. Later in the day, I asked him if he was familiar with the concept of grit. He wasn’t. At its most basic, grit means to have courage and resolve. You need this to get through middle school and to get through divorce. Then, I texted him later and asked him if he knew about sisu. He said, “No, but you sure have a lot of words for this stuff.” And of course I do because I am a survivor of both middle school and divorce! Sisu is a Finnish word with no exact translation into English. August is a quarter Finnish, so by the age of thirteen it was time for him to learn about sisu. Here’s a definition from Emilia Lahti, a researcher of sisu from Aalto University in Helsinki: “It is a special thing that is reserved for especially challenging moments. When we feel that we came to the end point of our preconceived capacities. You could say that sisu is energy, determination in the face of adversities that are more demanding than usual.” [121] Like middle school. Or divorce.
Sometimes, when you’ve got something really tough to get through, you just need to do it one day at a time. One of my neighbors, hearing about August’s middle school challenges, commented, “No way but through it.” With both middle school and divorce, there’s no way but through, my friends. One foot in front of the other.
Thank you, Suzanne! I love this excerpt from your book. I'll have to remember AFGO! I've had a lot of those the past few years. :) And I've certainly needed a lot of sisu.
Anne, this is lovely: your writing, Iona, all of it. I'm looking forward to reading your past letters about Edinburgh before visiting my niece there in November, when I hope the summer tourists will be elsewhere.
Thank you so much, Christina! It's wonderful to have you along for the ride. I hope you enjoy Edinburgh in November! I'll be in Ireland than, although I hope to head back to Edinburgh in the new year.
Such lovely reflections, as always. A pleasure to read. I am glad you are taking time for yourself. It's important to step back and away. Only then do we begin to know who we really are, because we always keep changing.
I just received an email from an old friend who's moved to her son's tiny house on a tiny island in the Gulf of Thailand with three suitcases. And one of those holds her art supplies. She can't even receive mail but she says she's never felt more unencumbered. This from a woman who lived years near the ocean in CA and then in Hawaii. Sweet peace; it's possible.
Hey Anne, loved your piece in LitHub and images from Iona. I’m also drawn to Celtic spirituality and panentheism. The idea of God in nature (and not God of nature) has always spoken to me, as has Celtic art and manuscript illustration.
When I was finishing my MLA I took a fabulous class on Medieval British history, and we studied the march of Christianity over the content into the isles. I’d love to see Iona, and Lindisfarne, too.
On Scotland, though I was only there for 10 days, I couldn’t agree more with your observations of its pure wild, rugged beauty. The train ride from Skye back through Highlands into Glasgow blew me away.
Always enjoy your posts and pieces. They are an inspiration as I continue winding through my own life/career transition. Work in progress.
Thanks, Cheryl! That train ride to/from Skye is spectacular! I've love to see LIndisfarne as well. Your class sounds fascinating. I bought a book called Listening to the Heart of God: A Celtic Spirituality that has some of the history of Celtic Christianity and how it clashed with Roman Catholicism in the 400s on. It's so interesting! Thanks for being such a loyal reader, Cheryl! It means a lot to have your support.
My god, this is gorgeous land! My sense still is that you're a fine photographer as well as writer. Look at what you've captured here! Even the charming picture of you and Emma has all that wonderful stuff in the background: the staid cathedral, the active umbrellas taking people along.
What if "place" is more subtractive than additive? What if we yearn for a place that removes distractions so we can just be, can just bring forth the "home" that is, after all, within us rather than outside us?
Anne, I am so enjoying your writing, and it’s not just you! I totally agree that our 50s can feel like adolescence. I thought you might appreciate this passage from my book (Divorce by Design: What if Staying and Leaving Aren’t Your Only Options?) about how divorce is like middle school:
Middle School All Over Again
It recently struck me that going through divorce can be a bit like going back to middle school. In other words, the worst. Both are times of drastic change. In both cases your body is transforming in disconcerting ways as it matures (middle school) or ages (divorce). Friendships are often evolving or in flux. Romantic or sexual feelings and experiences may be newly at play, or possibly at play again after the end of a marriage. In both cases, you may feel isolated and alone, worry about what others are thinking, be afraid you’ll screw things up, and spend time crying or raging with a temper that feels out of control. Right?
Although it was no picnic for either of my kids, August, in particular, went through some tough times in middle school. It was painful to watch, but I couldn’t fix it for him. Instead, I tried to be there to cheer him on as he worked through his feelings. One day, I asked him if he knew what AFGO stands for. He didn’t. I told him it stands for another fucking growth opportunity. (Yes, I used the f-word; sometimes it’s called for!) You don’t particularly want this kind of opportunity, but you will grow from it. Middle school and divorce are both like that. Later in the day, I asked him if he was familiar with the concept of grit. He wasn’t. At its most basic, grit means to have courage and resolve. You need this to get through middle school and to get through divorce. Then, I texted him later and asked him if he knew about sisu. He said, “No, but you sure have a lot of words for this stuff.” And of course I do because I am a survivor of both middle school and divorce! Sisu is a Finnish word with no exact translation into English. August is a quarter Finnish, so by the age of thirteen it was time for him to learn about sisu. Here’s a definition from Emilia Lahti, a researcher of sisu from Aalto University in Helsinki: “It is a special thing that is reserved for especially challenging moments. When we feel that we came to the end point of our preconceived capacities. You could say that sisu is energy, determination in the face of adversities that are more demanding than usual.” [121] Like middle school. Or divorce.
Sometimes, when you’ve got something really tough to get through, you just need to do it one day at a time. One of my neighbors, hearing about August’s middle school challenges, commented, “No way but through it.” With both middle school and divorce, there’s no way but through, my friends. One foot in front of the other.
Thank you, Suzanne! I love this excerpt from your book. I'll have to remember AFGO! I've had a lot of those the past few years. :) And I've certainly needed a lot of sisu.
Anne, this is lovely: your writing, Iona, all of it. I'm looking forward to reading your past letters about Edinburgh before visiting my niece there in November, when I hope the summer tourists will be elsewhere.
Thank you so much, Christina! It's wonderful to have you along for the ride. I hope you enjoy Edinburgh in November! I'll be in Ireland than, although I hope to head back to Edinburgh in the new year.
You write about Scotland the way I feel. I want to live in Scotland full-time too but it’s so difficult to accomplish. I hope you do!
Thank you, Martha! Me too. 🤞
Such lovely reflections, as always. A pleasure to read. I am glad you are taking time for yourself. It's important to step back and away. Only then do we begin to know who we really are, because we always keep changing.
Thank you, Nancy. Yes, stepping back is so clarifying. I’m glad you’re enjoying my letters. ☺️
I just received an email from an old friend who's moved to her son's tiny house on a tiny island in the Gulf of Thailand with three suitcases. And one of those holds her art supplies. She can't even receive mail but she says she's never felt more unencumbered. This from a woman who lived years near the ocean in CA and then in Hawaii. Sweet peace; it's possible.
So lovely!
Hey Anne, loved your piece in LitHub and images from Iona. I’m also drawn to Celtic spirituality and panentheism. The idea of God in nature (and not God of nature) has always spoken to me, as has Celtic art and manuscript illustration.
When I was finishing my MLA I took a fabulous class on Medieval British history, and we studied the march of Christianity over the content into the isles. I’d love to see Iona, and Lindisfarne, too.
On Scotland, though I was only there for 10 days, I couldn’t agree more with your observations of its pure wild, rugged beauty. The train ride from Skye back through Highlands into Glasgow blew me away.
Always enjoy your posts and pieces. They are an inspiration as I continue winding through my own life/career transition. Work in progress.
Cheers, ~Cheryl
Thanks, Cheryl! That train ride to/from Skye is spectacular! I've love to see LIndisfarne as well. Your class sounds fascinating. I bought a book called Listening to the Heart of God: A Celtic Spirituality that has some of the history of Celtic Christianity and how it clashed with Roman Catholicism in the 400s on. It's so interesting! Thanks for being such a loyal reader, Cheryl! It means a lot to have your support.
Beautiful letter, Anne! Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us!
Thank you, Etta!
I didn't go to that island on my trips. Looks like I missed a lot. It's beautiful.
Scotland is full of beautiful islands and coastline. It could take a lifetime to see it all, I think.
My god, this is gorgeous land! My sense still is that you're a fine photographer as well as writer. Look at what you've captured here! Even the charming picture of you and Emma has all that wonderful stuff in the background: the staid cathedral, the active umbrellas taking people along.
What if "place" is more subtractive than additive? What if we yearn for a place that removes distractions so we can just be, can just bring forth the "home" that is, after all, within us rather than outside us?
Thank you, Miki! This is beautiful. I love this idea and I think that is very much what I’m looking for. You’ve certainly found it on the bayou. ❤️
Thanks, Theresa. Congrats on your impending book publication! So exciting!