Interesting questions you pose, Anne. It took two simultaneous stage 3 cancer diagnoses in 2017 to get my attention.
As I ponder your questions, perhaps I kept so busy in an effort to somehow outrun my residual childhood trauma. I had tried to work through it all with therapy but it wasn’t until I discovered Reiki that I realized it was literally stored in the cells of my body.
More healing and release. But that kind of healing comes with a price - painful realizations about family dynamics. And yourself in it.
I think of it now as peeling layers of an onion, each one revealing more about yourself, but sometimes we resist our own truth because it just feels too damn painful.
I thought I had worked through it all, or at least that’s what I told myself, until my body could take no more denial. It could no longer co-exist with me.
After 18 months of brutal chemo and radiation and 6 years post-treatment, my body and me are just now putting the pieces of my life back together.
But I still catch myself over-working, doing too much and the conversations in my head that I’m somehow not contributing to society or being of value in the world if I’m not working.
I thought I had learned that lesson. That just BE-ing part? That I’m still learning. Turns out it isn’t a one-and-done process. It’s part of my journey here this lifetime. And I’m starting to be okay with that.
My message to anyone who got this far in my response here, you only have one body. Take care of it. Pay attention to the signals it gives you to slow down. There are no rewards given for powering through it all, at least none that matter when your body breaks from the stress of it all.
Thank you, Debra, for sharing your hard-earned wisdom with us. Such a powerful lesson! I’m so glad you have beaten the cancer thus far. May you continue cancer-free!
Truth. I cannot say enough about this except to say that I wish I had known this years ago. During my higher ed years, I worked between fifty and a hundred hours a week - more than that during COVID. I didn't take vacations or sick time. In fact, when I was forced to take leave for a broken foot and surgery, I cheated and worked for hours from home - until my sweet boss asked me to stop and to rest. But those years of not relaxing and not taking time for me meant that I would hit a wall in a career I love and walk away. Thank you for sharing this personal experience.
I've had ME for many years now, and I've had to become very strict about my boundaries in order to function. Living with this condition is quite frustrating, but trying to get other people to understand my limitations is the worst part. There is so much stigma attached to not being able to get up at the crack of dawn and being busy running around all day to justify my existence. I manage to go out 2 afternoons a week (sometimes less) and have to rest 2 out of 3 days, and rest in bed 12+ hours a day. I don't answer the phone in the morning and arrange my appointments in the afternoon. I tend to overload my mind, so I have been decluttering my email inbox, cut down on podcasts and screen times. I've also let go of people who just don't get it. I find that setting boundaries as a woman is seen as selfish by some, but I've learned to stand my ground.
Yes, it is frustrating that when we set boundaries we are seen as selfish. Cultural expectations for women are not very healthy for any of us. We have to take care of ourselves.
I used to feel like I was letting people down when I said I needed to rest. Now, I think I am simply giving them permission to do the same. If we buy into the idea that it's letting people down if we listen to our bodies, aren't we perpetuating the myth? Let us be the brave ones who blaze the trail-straight to the couch!
Thanks Anne, good reminder for me, and I do need to be reminded occasionally. I'm so much better at listening to my own body, and my brain, than I used to be. Going that extra mile, even when the race is over, has always been my nature. I can accept it for what it is, and I can recognize when the race is over. I have plenty of people in my life who are happy to tell me when to rest, to slow down, and their comments don't irritate me quite so much as they used to. I also know that the creative energy thats a part of me is a good thing, it's my thing, I just need to manage it.
Yes ma'am. Listen to your body. Last time for me? Last week: 2 1/2 days in bed resting, sleeping, hydrating with a cold so I could get up and go over the weekend. It is a luxury, though, that not everyone can afford. I'm grateful I've already "paid my dues." Be as good to yourself as you can!
For the past several years I worked at two different non-profits where I was the one keeping the lights on (literally). I couldn't take more than 5 consecutive days off or programs couldn't begin, staff wouldn't get paid, no one would be around to unlock the door, take deliveries, etc. It was madness. I left one job in tears, swearing never again, and within a couple of years, I was right back in the thick of crisis management. I call it The Curse of the Capable.
The pressure shows in insomnia, functional depression, neck and shoulder strain, breaking down at home, inability to write creatively ... I've recently left the second job and yes, I'm still in non-profit, but in a position where I'm no longer in charge. I have support above and below. I'm worried that I'm not working hard enough, that I'm not doing enough to prove I'm vital- anxiety that is a holdover from working in crisis mode for so long. I hope this time is different- I'm only 2 weeks into the new job- but I will admit I am so tired. 7-10 years from retirement and it cannot come soon enough.
As a writer, it's hard for me to say no to opportunities or requests for help, but it's getting easier. I've recently turned down requests to teach workshops and present at a conference, knowing I would just be adding to my stress and taking away from my own writing time. Last week a former editing client reached out to me with another project. When I didn't respond right away, he sent another request, saying he'd waited a week to hear from me (it had been 3 days) and if I didn't respond immediately, he'd take his business elsewhere. That was an easy one to give a hard pass to. Honestly.
As an introvert, I know I have to manage my energy levels without fully withdrawing. That's the balance I'm struggling with right now- especially in this season of nesting. And with the world so full of angst. I just want to retreat...
Good luck with the new job and keeping the stress to a minimum! It is hard to turn down work. I feel that quite a bit. I only have so much energy though.
Slowing down is a challenge for me, for sure, but one I am aware of and working on and am so much better at it than I used to be. Breathwork, meditation, yoga, walks, poetry, getting comfortable in the silence of my own company, and the real discomfort of sitting still and doing nothing, even for a few minutes. Am I the only woman who finds the latter excruciating? I doubt it. I wrote about this very topic last year (https://amybrown.substack.com/p/slowing-life-down-to-savor-the-moment?utm_source=publication-search) and this post came along at just the right time, Anne, to remind myself to take my own advice. It's no coincidence that the Spotify playlist I am compiling this month I am calling "Slow & Steady."
I have also noticed a spike in my chronic pain lately, and occurrences of new sensory aversions. I have no doubt these are effects of too much work and too little relaxation. Your post is an important reminder to luxuriate in rest—without our phones or TVs or other sources of stimulation.
Thank you so much for this post, Anne - and thanks to everyone who has shared in the comments too. Anne, I've actually been thinking of emailing you about what kind of lessons you've learned from your body during Life 2.0. (!) I hope you will write more at some point, at length, because I feel you have much wisdom to impart. Learning our limits, but also learning not to feel limited, is so key.
yes! I used to see it as a badge of honor to push until I collapsed. All those ideas about grit... I've been getting much better at letting myself rest and relax. To not have to 'earn' it, but do it because that's what the body needs. I do have to consciously coach myself though, there is still a voice inside that suggests I'm just being lazy and self-indulgent.
Anne, I totally get it. I used to always put my needs last and had trouble saying "no" to things. An artist, I now take time to paint and devote myself to art and reading. I'm still busy, but I put these activities on a to-do list and make sure I do it. Have a day here and there of total relaxation is what the body needs.
It's truly an eyeopener to see so many women writing about how they overextend themselves. I think this speaks to the heavy demands placed on women, not that men don't overwork, but women clearly have too many expectations placed on them. What exactly are we trying to prove? That we're worthy beings? We need to learn to take care of ourselves. It's not just a matter of relaxing, but of getting genuine rest -- allowing ourselves to just be for an hour or so sometime during the day. Really, this is a serious matter.
Many years ago, when I was quite burnt out, a doctor advised me to do the things that I wanted to do. I’ve followed that advice mostly to have more peace and calm in my life. I find social situations difficult, so often avoid that. Being retired has helped immensely. Calming my busy mind is challenging. I have hobbies that have helped to keep it occupied. We live with a view of a forest. I cannot say how much pleasure I find in trees! …in reading …in planning a holiday in France…dreaming.
Sounds like your doctor gave sound advice. Having hobbies is really good for a busy mind. My mind is also quite busy. Devoting myself to my art helps quiet the mind.
As a chiropractor I see this in both my patients and myself, we push ourselves to the limit. Of course there is the other end of the equation where folks are very unhealthy because they don't get off the couch. In all of our defense we were never taught to listen to our body and our inner voice! You echoed my own inner voice Anne, when you said others who were older than you seemed to be getting by fine so why couldn't you? Yet the more I work with patients I see that they aren't getting by, they are choosing to ignore the signals their body, mind and soul are sending.
May we all learn to listen, in our own way, before our body must speak firmly to us💕
Such a good point, Donna, that we aren’t taught to listen to our bodies or our inner voices. There is so much that I’m learning that I was never taught. It’s like learning how to live all over again!
Interesting questions you pose, Anne. It took two simultaneous stage 3 cancer diagnoses in 2017 to get my attention.
As I ponder your questions, perhaps I kept so busy in an effort to somehow outrun my residual childhood trauma. I had tried to work through it all with therapy but it wasn’t until I discovered Reiki that I realized it was literally stored in the cells of my body.
More healing and release. But that kind of healing comes with a price - painful realizations about family dynamics. And yourself in it.
I think of it now as peeling layers of an onion, each one revealing more about yourself, but sometimes we resist our own truth because it just feels too damn painful.
I thought I had worked through it all, or at least that’s what I told myself, until my body could take no more denial. It could no longer co-exist with me.
After 18 months of brutal chemo and radiation and 6 years post-treatment, my body and me are just now putting the pieces of my life back together.
But I still catch myself over-working, doing too much and the conversations in my head that I’m somehow not contributing to society or being of value in the world if I’m not working.
I thought I had learned that lesson. That just BE-ing part? That I’m still learning. Turns out it isn’t a one-and-done process. It’s part of my journey here this lifetime. And I’m starting to be okay with that.
My message to anyone who got this far in my response here, you only have one body. Take care of it. Pay attention to the signals it gives you to slow down. There are no rewards given for powering through it all, at least none that matter when your body breaks from the stress of it all.
Much love and good energy to all here. 🙌
Thank you, Debra, for sharing your hard-earned wisdom with us. Such a powerful lesson! I’m so glad you have beaten the cancer thus far. May you continue cancer-free!
Truth. I cannot say enough about this except to say that I wish I had known this years ago. During my higher ed years, I worked between fifty and a hundred hours a week - more than that during COVID. I didn't take vacations or sick time. In fact, when I was forced to take leave for a broken foot and surgery, I cheated and worked for hours from home - until my sweet boss asked me to stop and to rest. But those years of not relaxing and not taking time for me meant that I would hit a wall in a career I love and walk away. Thank you for sharing this personal experience.
I've had ME for many years now, and I've had to become very strict about my boundaries in order to function. Living with this condition is quite frustrating, but trying to get other people to understand my limitations is the worst part. There is so much stigma attached to not being able to get up at the crack of dawn and being busy running around all day to justify my existence. I manage to go out 2 afternoons a week (sometimes less) and have to rest 2 out of 3 days, and rest in bed 12+ hours a day. I don't answer the phone in the morning and arrange my appointments in the afternoon. I tend to overload my mind, so I have been decluttering my email inbox, cut down on podcasts and screen times. I've also let go of people who just don't get it. I find that setting boundaries as a woman is seen as selfish by some, but I've learned to stand my ground.
Yes, it is frustrating that when we set boundaries we are seen as selfish. Cultural expectations for women are not very healthy for any of us. We have to take care of ourselves.
I used to feel like I was letting people down when I said I needed to rest. Now, I think I am simply giving them permission to do the same. If we buy into the idea that it's letting people down if we listen to our bodies, aren't we perpetuating the myth? Let us be the brave ones who blaze the trail-straight to the couch!
Thanks Anne, good reminder for me, and I do need to be reminded occasionally. I'm so much better at listening to my own body, and my brain, than I used to be. Going that extra mile, even when the race is over, has always been my nature. I can accept it for what it is, and I can recognize when the race is over. I have plenty of people in my life who are happy to tell me when to rest, to slow down, and their comments don't irritate me quite so much as they used to. I also know that the creative energy thats a part of me is a good thing, it's my thing, I just need to manage it.
Yes ma'am. Listen to your body. Last time for me? Last week: 2 1/2 days in bed resting, sleeping, hydrating with a cold so I could get up and go over the weekend. It is a luxury, though, that not everyone can afford. I'm grateful I've already "paid my dues." Be as good to yourself as you can!
I’m glad you’re feeling better after your cold!
For the past several years I worked at two different non-profits where I was the one keeping the lights on (literally). I couldn't take more than 5 consecutive days off or programs couldn't begin, staff wouldn't get paid, no one would be around to unlock the door, take deliveries, etc. It was madness. I left one job in tears, swearing never again, and within a couple of years, I was right back in the thick of crisis management. I call it The Curse of the Capable.
The pressure shows in insomnia, functional depression, neck and shoulder strain, breaking down at home, inability to write creatively ... I've recently left the second job and yes, I'm still in non-profit, but in a position where I'm no longer in charge. I have support above and below. I'm worried that I'm not working hard enough, that I'm not doing enough to prove I'm vital- anxiety that is a holdover from working in crisis mode for so long. I hope this time is different- I'm only 2 weeks into the new job- but I will admit I am so tired. 7-10 years from retirement and it cannot come soon enough.
As a writer, it's hard for me to say no to opportunities or requests for help, but it's getting easier. I've recently turned down requests to teach workshops and present at a conference, knowing I would just be adding to my stress and taking away from my own writing time. Last week a former editing client reached out to me with another project. When I didn't respond right away, he sent another request, saying he'd waited a week to hear from me (it had been 3 days) and if I didn't respond immediately, he'd take his business elsewhere. That was an easy one to give a hard pass to. Honestly.
As an introvert, I know I have to manage my energy levels without fully withdrawing. That's the balance I'm struggling with right now- especially in this season of nesting. And with the world so full of angst. I just want to retreat...
"The Curse of the Capable" - excellent!
Good luck at the job and thanks for sharing your journey.
Good luck with the new job and keeping the stress to a minimum! It is hard to turn down work. I feel that quite a bit. I only have so much energy though.
Slowing down is a challenge for me, for sure, but one I am aware of and working on and am so much better at it than I used to be. Breathwork, meditation, yoga, walks, poetry, getting comfortable in the silence of my own company, and the real discomfort of sitting still and doing nothing, even for a few minutes. Am I the only woman who finds the latter excruciating? I doubt it. I wrote about this very topic last year (https://amybrown.substack.com/p/slowing-life-down-to-savor-the-moment?utm_source=publication-search) and this post came along at just the right time, Anne, to remind myself to take my own advice. It's no coincidence that the Spotify playlist I am compiling this month I am calling "Slow & Steady."
Thank you for sharing these links! And yes, we all need reminders!
Here's a favorite song from that playlist, Take it Slow by Ayla Nereo, https://open.spotify.com/track/50i9oISMvbtdQyvgDJ0Wi1
I have also noticed a spike in my chronic pain lately, and occurrences of new sensory aversions. I have no doubt these are effects of too much work and too little relaxation. Your post is an important reminder to luxuriate in rest—without our phones or TVs or other sources of stimulation.
I’m doing it right now and loving it!
Thank you so much for this post, Anne - and thanks to everyone who has shared in the comments too. Anne, I've actually been thinking of emailing you about what kind of lessons you've learned from your body during Life 2.0. (!) I hope you will write more at some point, at length, because I feel you have much wisdom to impart. Learning our limits, but also learning not to feel limited, is so key.
In glad you enjoyed the post! And more 2.0 to come!
yes! I used to see it as a badge of honor to push until I collapsed. All those ideas about grit... I've been getting much better at letting myself rest and relax. To not have to 'earn' it, but do it because that's what the body needs. I do have to consciously coach myself though, there is still a voice inside that suggests I'm just being lazy and self-indulgent.
Yes, those pesky voices! I need to write more about that.
Anne, I totally get it. I used to always put my needs last and had trouble saying "no" to things. An artist, I now take time to paint and devote myself to art and reading. I'm still busy, but I put these activities on a to-do list and make sure I do it. Have a day here and there of total relaxation is what the body needs.
It's truly an eyeopener to see so many women writing about how they overextend themselves. I think this speaks to the heavy demands placed on women, not that men don't overwork, but women clearly have too many expectations placed on them. What exactly are we trying to prove? That we're worthy beings? We need to learn to take care of ourselves. It's not just a matter of relaxing, but of getting genuine rest -- allowing ourselves to just be for an hour or so sometime during the day. Really, this is a serious matter.
Yes to taking care of ourselves! It’s not selfish and indulgent. It’s survival!
Very serious, agreed!
Many years ago, when I was quite burnt out, a doctor advised me to do the things that I wanted to do. I’ve followed that advice mostly to have more peace and calm in my life. I find social situations difficult, so often avoid that. Being retired has helped immensely. Calming my busy mind is challenging. I have hobbies that have helped to keep it occupied. We live with a view of a forest. I cannot say how much pleasure I find in trees! …in reading …in planning a holiday in France…dreaming.
Sounds like your doctor gave sound advice. Having hobbies is really good for a busy mind. My mind is also quite busy. Devoting myself to my art helps quiet the mind.
As a chiropractor I see this in both my patients and myself, we push ourselves to the limit. Of course there is the other end of the equation where folks are very unhealthy because they don't get off the couch. In all of our defense we were never taught to listen to our body and our inner voice! You echoed my own inner voice Anne, when you said others who were older than you seemed to be getting by fine so why couldn't you? Yet the more I work with patients I see that they aren't getting by, they are choosing to ignore the signals their body, mind and soul are sending.
May we all learn to listen, in our own way, before our body must speak firmly to us💕
Such a good point, Donna, that we aren’t taught to listen to our bodies or our inner voices. There is so much that I’m learning that I was never taught. It’s like learning how to live all over again!
Well said, Donna!
Thanks Kelly!
Wow. I really needed to read this, Anne.
I’m so glad, Stacy! I hope you can get some rest!! :)