This is an amazingly accurate story of the 'Days of our (common) lives'. I too have had relatuve success at a career i started out with, ending up with a spacious house overfilled with nice stuff like 2000 still-to-be-read-books, i-promise-i-will-read-them-oneday-especially-when-i-have-retired (since i somehow overwork myself to exhaustion the last 27 years at my current job). And then of course wardrobes of clothes mainly office wear. And tons of other unnecessary stuff. Luckily i have recognised the need to retire in the next 2 years when i turn 60, and when i am.not working overtime as the default to my success the last 30 years, i am 'making plans' to change my default thinking and living going forward. I am so glad to have found your substack. All the best going forward on our journeys for both of us.
So nice to have found a fellow Menieres being that is thriving and enjoying life! Thank you for this much needed reminder that change is constant and can be chosen!
Anne I just love your posts, I find myself nodding along as I’m reading them.
I’m 53, an Aussie, and 6 months into my travels around Europe. I’m travelling with no end date and floating wherever the wind takes me.
After my daughters left for college I felt empty, without purpose and with no idea of who I was if not their mother. My mental health took a hit, I felt grief stricken.
6 months later, I’m on the mend, I feel like I understand myself better than I ever have and hopeful about my future.
I have given up alcohol, I realised I had an unhealthy relationship with it. I’ve given up some friendships that didn’t see me in my highest light. I’ve given up reality television because…why the hell did I ever watch it? And I’ve given up spending a fortune on polishing the outside of me instead loving and nurturing the inside.
I may not look so pretty, but boy, I sleep well at night.
I think you have laid the foundation for a healthy discussion. Here are my thoughts: I have a deep passion for visiting new places and meeting new people and experiencing different cultures - something I never grow tired of. I am from Sri Lanka, where our culture is very different from that of America. We are gradually adopting some aspects of material culture, but we still move at a slow pace. We have our traditional cultures that shape our behavior.
However, I must admit that our culture also binds us very tightly to certain aspects of life, making it difficult to let go. For example, the strong family bonds we maintain. At one point, I tried to escape these constraints by volunteering in a remote part of the world-specifically, in Papua New Guinea. But then I found that I couldn’t adjust to that culture either. My home environment pulled me back, and now here I am still stuck and, longing to break away but still searching for a way to do so.
So, I think in one way or other, we humans are bound to these worldly attachments and find it difficult to break free. As a Buddhist, I can find some explanations to this nature of our lives in the Buddhist teachings. Yet, I am still struggling to find a way to escape.
You've left me speechless! Well almost. Writers usually aren't without words, if we're honest.
Yes, I did find myself in the default, numbing-out, over-achieving culture! Yes there are many things I want to off load! It's a little disappointing to me that it has taken me this long to realize that stuff doesn't really make me happy. I'm very close to retirement age. After my husband took his own life I found myself doing things to occupy my time. I tried going back to school, twice. I love learning but quickly realized all the motivation that was being thrown my way was EARN, EARN, EARN. I'm just about ready to retire, shouldn't I have figured this out by now? Anyway, I'm on a similar path, exploring, reading, changing and I look forward to your next post. I'm weaning myself off wishing for more: More money to travel, more time to shop, more opportunity but it's a slow process and I have to learn what most spoiled children rarely learn: you can't have everything at once! FYI I was an adopted only child, I know about being spoiled though mostly it was a good kind of spoiling. Sorry for the long comment! Thanks for writing this. Keep going!
Thank you for sharing. I've been on an Adriatic adventure for the last 2.5 years. Trying things, failing at some, succeeding at others, being nervous about some things and excited about others. It's the fact that I am trying things that is a huge win in my book. Spent way too many years scared to try.
Thank you for this post, Anne. I want to say “write the book!” But on the other hand, the comments from everyone in this wonderful community you’ve built make your ideas and observations even deeper, richer, more valuable. So I also want to say “forget the book and spend all your time here.” There is only so much time and energy to spend, after all. 🙃 I love interacting with and learning from so many women (and a few men!) who are actively engaged with creating their lives. It’s inspiring and refreshing. 💜
We could be twins of sorts, or maybe women are just now realizing they are not alone with these same feelings about the US culture. It is all too much (for me) and I do find myself fantasizing about a little cottage elsewhere. And like you, Anne, my friends that have left for other countries.. have a partner they did it with. Dual income does make for some opportunities not otherwise afforded for a single.
My sister died in May. She was the last person I had from my childhood. Grandparents, parents, sibling, niece, they are all gone now. It is an odd feeling. Which is another thing that makes me want experiences. I have experienced the US. I have experienced US marriage and divorce, US dating, US work/hustle culture that has just about killed me, and moved and traveled all over this country. I think it is high time to do what is best for me, instead of doing what is best for others that find people so easily replaceable.
I'm so sorry to hear of your many losses. I've been thinking about how endings open up new space in our lives, and we are confronted with the question of how we want to fill it. For me, I wanted to be deliberate about it, not just fall into the next thing. Best of luck to you!
Thank you Anne. Endings surely have a way of changing a person's perspective. I too would like to be deliberate about my next moves, and I am at a crossroads right now. My current job is coming to a close (construction, so that is normal) and I have this fight or flight feeling about moving onto the next one. It will be a fight if I stay (a woman in construction is a never ending battle). I want to pack my bag, 14 year old dog, and just go. To where, I have no idea. I want to give my little best friend the best end of her life.
I just subscribed as a founder on your newsletter. I realize this comes with a zoom call. I want to be calculated and mindful on how to achieve leaving. I am hoping you can help me. I will search through your articles to gain as much knowledge as possible before we talk.
Yes! All this! I feel like I’m just waking up at age 43 and have been disconnected from my real wants and desires. I have gone through all those false idols and there’s no happiness at the end. I’ve got a post in mind I want to write about this. Life by Design is fantastic. I’m just enjoying figuring out what I want to do more of in my future then it’s experience and exploration about those ideas before committing that helps me get a read on whether my mind, body and soul all agree that whatever it is lights me up.
You've given me a dozen questions to ponder with friends and the inspiration to start having more...more three-hour dinners with friends (and wine), more flowers inside my house rather than in other people's gardens, and more confidence to stop feeling like I have to purchase "more" -- I am enough. Thank you.
Really enjoying the flow of ideas and thoughts. And they trigger a whole lot more interesting thoughts to ponder. (in a positive way - 'trigger' has become oft-used as a negative word nowadays which is a pity).
Life 2.0 is a great concept. As someone in my second half-century of existence, who has recently started life in country very far from where I was born and lived my first half, it is wonderful to find a whole community of like-minded souls :)
Would love to hear you go deeper on the ideas of mindset shifting that you’ve done and explored or are still working on. I’ve been surprised at how influential adopting different mindsets has been on me, and have been stymied at how stuck I am in some ways on some kinds of mindset shifts I would like to make but cannot puzzle out the how or the new framework to use or cannot reliably access the new framework I’ve worked hard to build.
In my case it has started with the noticing. Noticing the mood, the thought loop, the pattern I don’t like. At least noticing helps me start to problem-solve: I don’t like this. I am the only one who can change this. What can I change this to?
I’m enjoying your writing, and specifically welcome this series you described because so often it can be hard to even envision how to take steps toward something different than whatever path seems to be unfurled in front of us like a yellow brick road. Hearing others’ stories can help.
Hi Anne. Such a great post. The numbing-out attention economy is frightening. Frightening because of what we are literally and figuratively ingesting, and also because people are rarely still, I think. I think especially about our kids and young adults…. Will they ever be able to stop and reflect or become more aware of their thoughts? We have some brilliant young people amongst us, and I feel for them, having to deal with this rapid, buzzing, pulsating culture surrounding them, with this pressure to consume, stay constantly connected (online), react. To turn away and be still and reflect is so difficult.
This is an amazingly accurate story of the 'Days of our (common) lives'. I too have had relatuve success at a career i started out with, ending up with a spacious house overfilled with nice stuff like 2000 still-to-be-read-books, i-promise-i-will-read-them-oneday-especially-when-i-have-retired (since i somehow overwork myself to exhaustion the last 27 years at my current job). And then of course wardrobes of clothes mainly office wear. And tons of other unnecessary stuff. Luckily i have recognised the need to retire in the next 2 years when i turn 60, and when i am.not working overtime as the default to my success the last 30 years, i am 'making plans' to change my default thinking and living going forward. I am so glad to have found your substack. All the best going forward on our journeys for both of us.
So nice to have found a fellow Menieres being that is thriving and enjoying life! Thank you for this much needed reminder that change is constant and can be chosen!
Anne I just love your posts, I find myself nodding along as I’m reading them.
I’m 53, an Aussie, and 6 months into my travels around Europe. I’m travelling with no end date and floating wherever the wind takes me.
After my daughters left for college I felt empty, without purpose and with no idea of who I was if not their mother. My mental health took a hit, I felt grief stricken.
6 months later, I’m on the mend, I feel like I understand myself better than I ever have and hopeful about my future.
I have given up alcohol, I realised I had an unhealthy relationship with it. I’ve given up some friendships that didn’t see me in my highest light. I’ve given up reality television because…why the hell did I ever watch it? And I’ve given up spending a fortune on polishing the outside of me instead loving and nurturing the inside.
I may not look so pretty, but boy, I sleep well at night.
I think you have laid the foundation for a healthy discussion. Here are my thoughts: I have a deep passion for visiting new places and meeting new people and experiencing different cultures - something I never grow tired of. I am from Sri Lanka, where our culture is very different from that of America. We are gradually adopting some aspects of material culture, but we still move at a slow pace. We have our traditional cultures that shape our behavior.
However, I must admit that our culture also binds us very tightly to certain aspects of life, making it difficult to let go. For example, the strong family bonds we maintain. At one point, I tried to escape these constraints by volunteering in a remote part of the world-specifically, in Papua New Guinea. But then I found that I couldn’t adjust to that culture either. My home environment pulled me back, and now here I am still stuck and, longing to break away but still searching for a way to do so.
So, I think in one way or other, we humans are bound to these worldly attachments and find it difficult to break free. As a Buddhist, I can find some explanations to this nature of our lives in the Buddhist teachings. Yet, I am still struggling to find a way to escape.
Hoping to read your next post.
You've left me speechless! Well almost. Writers usually aren't without words, if we're honest.
Yes, I did find myself in the default, numbing-out, over-achieving culture! Yes there are many things I want to off load! It's a little disappointing to me that it has taken me this long to realize that stuff doesn't really make me happy. I'm very close to retirement age. After my husband took his own life I found myself doing things to occupy my time. I tried going back to school, twice. I love learning but quickly realized all the motivation that was being thrown my way was EARN, EARN, EARN. I'm just about ready to retire, shouldn't I have figured this out by now? Anyway, I'm on a similar path, exploring, reading, changing and I look forward to your next post. I'm weaning myself off wishing for more: More money to travel, more time to shop, more opportunity but it's a slow process and I have to learn what most spoiled children rarely learn: you can't have everything at once! FYI I was an adopted only child, I know about being spoiled though mostly it was a good kind of spoiling. Sorry for the long comment! Thanks for writing this. Keep going!
It’s always a good time to become more conscious and aware, even if we wish we had done so sooner. :)
Thank you for sharing. I've been on an Adriatic adventure for the last 2.5 years. Trying things, failing at some, succeeding at others, being nervous about some things and excited about others. It's the fact that I am trying things that is a huge win in my book. Spent way too many years scared to try.
Thank you for this post, Anne. I want to say “write the book!” But on the other hand, the comments from everyone in this wonderful community you’ve built make your ideas and observations even deeper, richer, more valuable. So I also want to say “forget the book and spend all your time here.” There is only so much time and energy to spend, after all. 🙃 I love interacting with and learning from so many women (and a few men!) who are actively engaged with creating their lives. It’s inspiring and refreshing. 💜
Me too! This is so much more than a newsletter.
"I could have told myself that my trip to France was a failure. But really it was an experiment." This resonates.
We could be twins of sorts, or maybe women are just now realizing they are not alone with these same feelings about the US culture. It is all too much (for me) and I do find myself fantasizing about a little cottage elsewhere. And like you, Anne, my friends that have left for other countries.. have a partner they did it with. Dual income does make for some opportunities not otherwise afforded for a single.
My sister died in May. She was the last person I had from my childhood. Grandparents, parents, sibling, niece, they are all gone now. It is an odd feeling. Which is another thing that makes me want experiences. I have experienced the US. I have experienced US marriage and divorce, US dating, US work/hustle culture that has just about killed me, and moved and traveled all over this country. I think it is high time to do what is best for me, instead of doing what is best for others that find people so easily replaceable.
I'm so sorry to hear of your many losses. I've been thinking about how endings open up new space in our lives, and we are confronted with the question of how we want to fill it. For me, I wanted to be deliberate about it, not just fall into the next thing. Best of luck to you!
Thank you Anne. Endings surely have a way of changing a person's perspective. I too would like to be deliberate about my next moves, and I am at a crossroads right now. My current job is coming to a close (construction, so that is normal) and I have this fight or flight feeling about moving onto the next one. It will be a fight if I stay (a woman in construction is a never ending battle). I want to pack my bag, 14 year old dog, and just go. To where, I have no idea. I want to give my little best friend the best end of her life.
I just subscribed as a founder on your newsletter. I realize this comes with a zoom call. I want to be calculated and mindful on how to achieve leaving. I am hoping you can help me. I will search through your articles to gain as much knowledge as possible before we talk.
Thank you! I have sent you a DM here on Substack.
Yes! All this! I feel like I’m just waking up at age 43 and have been disconnected from my real wants and desires. I have gone through all those false idols and there’s no happiness at the end. I’ve got a post in mind I want to write about this. Life by Design is fantastic. I’m just enjoying figuring out what I want to do more of in my future then it’s experience and exploration about those ideas before committing that helps me get a read on whether my mind, body and soul all agree that whatever it is lights me up.
You've given me a dozen questions to ponder with friends and the inspiration to start having more...more three-hour dinners with friends (and wine), more flowers inside my house rather than in other people's gardens, and more confidence to stop feeling like I have to purchase "more" -- I am enough. Thank you.
Really enjoying the flow of ideas and thoughts. And they trigger a whole lot more interesting thoughts to ponder. (in a positive way - 'trigger' has become oft-used as a negative word nowadays which is a pity).
Life 2.0 is a great concept. As someone in my second half-century of existence, who has recently started life in country very far from where I was born and lived my first half, it is wonderful to find a whole community of like-minded souls :)
I’m glad you found us, Peter. :)
Would love to hear you go deeper on the ideas of mindset shifting that you’ve done and explored or are still working on. I’ve been surprised at how influential adopting different mindsets has been on me, and have been stymied at how stuck I am in some ways on some kinds of mindset shifts I would like to make but cannot puzzle out the how or the new framework to use or cannot reliably access the new framework I’ve worked hard to build.
In my case it has started with the noticing. Noticing the mood, the thought loop, the pattern I don’t like. At least noticing helps me start to problem-solve: I don’t like this. I am the only one who can change this. What can I change this to?
I’m enjoying your writing, and specifically welcome this series you described because so often it can be hard to even envision how to take steps toward something different than whatever path seems to be unfurled in front of us like a yellow brick road. Hearing others’ stories can help.
Everything about this was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
What you've said about a numbing culture is so true. Commercialism gone mad.
Hi Anne. Such a great post. The numbing-out attention economy is frightening. Frightening because of what we are literally and figuratively ingesting, and also because people are rarely still, I think. I think especially about our kids and young adults…. Will they ever be able to stop and reflect or become more aware of their thoughts? We have some brilliant young people amongst us, and I feel for them, having to deal with this rapid, buzzing, pulsating culture surrounding them, with this pressure to consume, stay constantly connected (online), react. To turn away and be still and reflect is so difficult.