I’m in the process of defrosting now. The biggest factor was being honest with myself about what affected me and how much. You don’t have to call it “abuse” to acknowledge the trauma it left you with. You don’t have to have specific “abusers” to know the pain from long ago is still with you.
Once I gave myself permission to be in pain I was able to start moving forward. I didn’t realize how important acknowledging my own pain would be in order to heal.
Oh, Anne. I think we're living parallel lives in some respects. Or maybe it's just, as you said, that so many of us are in FREEZE and flight-or-fight over and over again. I've been in this cycle for so long. It's not easy to admit that while I enjoyed many aspects of my academic career, it also led to my nervous breakdown in 2003 and kept me in FREEZE for many, many years. It's been a little better since I quit my job and left the country. But I've been in FREEZE for at least two months. I hate it. For me, even with years of therapy, I still fall into the "I'm shit, I was a terrible academic; I'm a terrible wife, daughter, sister, auntie; I'm a professional failure" narrative of doom.
I reach out to my spouse, to a very few friends, and that's it. I can't afford any kind of therapy right now, so I'm trying to think about what I might do to get out of the pit this time. Falling into the trap of "shoulds" never helps. But perhaps I can reframe it as, "What do I know will help me emerge this time? What have I been avoiding that keeps me in the pit? What small step can I take today to move up a few steps?"
I've been allowing myself to feel anger about the last year in my job (truly horrific; gaslighting, sexism, the lot), about going through menopause and all the emotional, psychological, and physical changes (some good, many traumatic) that entails, leaving the country (but not feeling settled yet), dealing with all the attendant feelings of worry and guilt over my mom's dementia, and just trying to figure out who the HELL I am? And who do I want to be? All this mere weeks away from my 58th birthday.
I'm so glad you are re-emerging, un-freezing yourself, Anne. I'm thankful for your post. And especially grateful for your blog.
Hi Rebecca--I just responded with some suggestions on your other comment. This one made me think of a podcast I was just listening to yesterday: https://resources.soundstrue.com/podcast/jeffrey-rutstein-psyd-you-can-shift-the-state-of-your-nervous-system/ He talks about how we beat ourselves up for being a bad person or for being really bad at something, when really the problem is that our nervous system is out of whack. Once we understand how it works and atune ourselves to it, we can have more compassion for ourselves. Shame is such a silent killer--it causes us so much physical as well as psychic pain! You are not all the horrible things you think you are!! Sending hugs and so much love!!
Oh my goodness, Anne! I'm so sorry to hear all this. But glad to know you are coming out of it again. Thanks for your honesty, courage and generosity in sharing this story. Keep climbing out of the deep--you're meant for better things! Look forward to reading part II, courage!
Hi Anne, thank you for sharing this. I'm glad that you feel that you're on your way back up, rising to the surface again. I can identify with so much of this. The holding onto the ledge and finally letting go (then falling and wondering where the bottom is, then realizing that there really isn't a bottom, just a continual process of "unknowing" or peeling back layers and layers of who I thought I was, etc.). The back and forth between freeze and flight for years. The caregiving that requires more than you have to give. I like the idea of my self sort of bubbling to the surface again, buoyed by water that's heavier than I am. And I agree that the phrase "letting go" is a problem. I tend to think that we look at letting go the wrong way round. In my experience what's attached to me let's go of me (it's "host) when I no longer have what it needs. Once I realized that I was a self, separate from others, a number of my codependent tendencies began to let go of me. I wasn't a good home for them anymore. Thank you, again and blessings as you make your way back up.
I love the realisation you've shared about the other way around of letting go, that an attachment lets go of me, although I feel it's the phase that follows after realizing 'I'm attached" and "I let go of it so that it can let me go..." it's then a completion of going around in circles, finding the vertical flow of transcendence, overcoming a detrimental pattern and seeing proof in effortlessly attracting people who aren't locked in a host-parasite pattern. Cheers 💜
I'm also intrigued by what you wrote further: "once I realized that I was a self, separate from others [...]" and want to invite you for a chat in a podcast if you're up for that ☺️
Sometimes winter itself causes me to hibernate - numb myself. Lay down on the ocean floor. This past winter I got caught doom scrolling from that place. My ability to break the mindless numbing scroll needed a reset. Sometimes the hardest thing is just to put two feet on the floor in the AM. I’m heading out to walk my dog in the morning drizzle. Heading into the forest. One step at a time. It’s milder out today.
Yep, me too... mostly hibernation last winter and one-step at the time dogwalking this morning but without drizzle ;) are you in Scotland too, since it was indeed milder today?
This was beautiful Anne even as you wrote it from the painful depths; thank you for sharing. I have also been in those depths, having suffered a sudden severe debilitating low-back injury two weeks after a long-planned move to Barcelona. It meant I had to cancel a dream trip to Machu Picchu & Chile, and focus on rest and healing. Surrendering control is so hard! But I am learning to listen to the lessons of my body and writing about it too over on my Substack because I know we’re not alone in finding ourselves flailing in emotional/physical pain & challenges. So many beautiful lessons even if they also piss me off😀my body has benched me temporarily from my big, beautiful, bountiful, bustling Barcelona life. I am beginning to understand there’s a reason for ‘why now.’ It’s humbling. Hope you continue to fall upwards, as the wise Franciscan priest Richard Rohr writes. In the second half of life, the sacred journey as opposed to the ego’s journey in the first half, we fall upwards—if we recognize our potential to do so and begin the climb.
Happy that you are doing better, Anne. Thank you for sharing the vagus nerve video! I'm struggling with anxiety more often lately and your description of the crashing waves is a perfect analogy for what I'm experiencing too.
A note on surrender and letting go... a voice in my brain keeps telling me to become unglued. I've had it for weeks. It's encouraging me to acknowledge that I'm holding myself together for the wrong reasons. I think this is related to years and years of childhood trauma and oppression where I had to keep everything together. I had to hold onto a parent's secrets. I had to be the good girl, the sane one, and not fall apart. Well, now I am. And the voice is telling me it is ok.
I don't know if I'm "letting go" in the traditional sense, but for me, the time has come to 1. admit I need help 2. seek it. 3. trust that not one person who loves me will leave me if I'm anything less than capable.
I'm so glad you're here! Thank you for this. What you've written about resonates with me a lot. There are two particular things that it has me thinking about. One, is the medical issues that I dealt with this past fall; when I had my gall bladder attack, I had to ask for help. And I got help with my deep-seated medical trauma (that goes back to when I went through cancer as a baby); I am really grateful for all of the helpers.
I reached a point one day in the midst of it all this fall(I was waiting to be taken back for my first colonoscopy) where I was feeling so scared. I was doing self-talk, and breathing exercises, and all of the things--and then finally, I thought, "Well, so, I'm scared. What if I just feel scared?"
It's hard to fully convey what that felt like, but that change in perspective--just accepting that I felt scared--was huge. I felt scared, but a little less so (since I was no longer fighting it) and it did pass.
Another thing that I'm thinking about is how I've identified how I can get all tight and clenched up when I'm writing--usually when I'm trying to write in a way that's not authentic for me, or when I'm not sure what my point is, but I'm trying to power through and pretend that I have one. That is a physically different experience from what feels like "loose" writing--when I'm "in the zone," and enjoying myself, and just letting myself go and write what's occurring to me. They both require revision, of course, but the "looser" writing is always better. This is something I'm only recently recognizing; I'm curious to pay attention for it now.
Thank you for sharing, Monica!! Cancer as a baby is so traumatic. I’m learning so much about how trauma affects us for a lifetime, unless we accept that it happened to us and learn how to release the beliefs we’ve adopted as a result of it.
I'm so glad to read this post. I have been thinking about you, wondering if you were okay, since your previous post. I'm glad that you have found a way back to the surface.
I have been where you have been in the past. It is scary but, as you say, when you look for help and find the right help for you, it does end.
This is a brave post Anne, with so many heartfelt comments of folks going through the same thing. I’ve been to the bottom myself many times, and I feel like I get a little better at navigating it each time. What really helped last time was just zeroing in on the basics and doing that, managing my nervous system carefully and with a ton of self-compassion. I just focused on eating, sleep, rest, caring for my daughter and just did the bare minimum in all other areas. I invested in support, from more sessions with my coach to acupuncture and sushi runs. It really does seem the nervous system can get stuck in a rut and needs its time. Last time it happened to me I decided to investigate what lessons it was teaching me and I came away with really good learning.
I often read Emma Toms substack and thought of you. Women need to stand together. Reading Emma's posts has helped me a lot. Emma is based in Glasgow. Emma is a
wellness Facilitator based in the West End of Glasgow. A Reiki Master Teacher, Kundalini Yoga Teacher, Energy Worker and IEMT Practitioner. You can also find her at emmatoms.com
I'm so glad to see your post - been worried about you!
And I'm so sorry you've been stuck in the deep...the deep freeze, as it turns out. I've been there, too, and I've learned that it's just a stage you can't rush through. It just is, and we just have to let it happen. But when we come out on the other side, yes, there's hope! And I'm so glad you're feeling more positive and excited about things again!
I’m in the process of defrosting now. The biggest factor was being honest with myself about what affected me and how much. You don’t have to call it “abuse” to acknowledge the trauma it left you with. You don’t have to have specific “abusers” to know the pain from long ago is still with you.
Once I gave myself permission to be in pain I was able to start moving forward. I didn’t realize how important acknowledging my own pain would be in order to heal.
Here’s to moving forward, Kay! I’m so glad that you have found a way to do that by acknowledging the pain of the past. That is so important!
Oh, Anne. I think we're living parallel lives in some respects. Or maybe it's just, as you said, that so many of us are in FREEZE and flight-or-fight over and over again. I've been in this cycle for so long. It's not easy to admit that while I enjoyed many aspects of my academic career, it also led to my nervous breakdown in 2003 and kept me in FREEZE for many, many years. It's been a little better since I quit my job and left the country. But I've been in FREEZE for at least two months. I hate it. For me, even with years of therapy, I still fall into the "I'm shit, I was a terrible academic; I'm a terrible wife, daughter, sister, auntie; I'm a professional failure" narrative of doom.
I reach out to my spouse, to a very few friends, and that's it. I can't afford any kind of therapy right now, so I'm trying to think about what I might do to get out of the pit this time. Falling into the trap of "shoulds" never helps. But perhaps I can reframe it as, "What do I know will help me emerge this time? What have I been avoiding that keeps me in the pit? What small step can I take today to move up a few steps?"
I've been allowing myself to feel anger about the last year in my job (truly horrific; gaslighting, sexism, the lot), about going through menopause and all the emotional, psychological, and physical changes (some good, many traumatic) that entails, leaving the country (but not feeling settled yet), dealing with all the attendant feelings of worry and guilt over my mom's dementia, and just trying to figure out who the HELL I am? And who do I want to be? All this mere weeks away from my 58th birthday.
I'm so glad you are re-emerging, un-freezing yourself, Anne. I'm thankful for your post. And especially grateful for your blog.
Hi Rebecca--I just responded with some suggestions on your other comment. This one made me think of a podcast I was just listening to yesterday: https://resources.soundstrue.com/podcast/jeffrey-rutstein-psyd-you-can-shift-the-state-of-your-nervous-system/ He talks about how we beat ourselves up for being a bad person or for being really bad at something, when really the problem is that our nervous system is out of whack. Once we understand how it works and atune ourselves to it, we can have more compassion for ourselves. Shame is such a silent killer--it causes us so much physical as well as psychic pain! You are not all the horrible things you think you are!! Sending hugs and so much love!!
Oh my goodness, Anne! I'm so sorry to hear all this. But glad to know you are coming out of it again. Thanks for your honesty, courage and generosity in sharing this story. Keep climbing out of the deep--you're meant for better things! Look forward to reading part II, courage!
Thank you for sharing yourself so deeply, so beautifully and so vulnerably.
This is me! And I am looking forward to next week’s post. Thank you for articulating this experience, it is a gift to all of us.
Hi Anne, thank you for sharing this. I'm glad that you feel that you're on your way back up, rising to the surface again. I can identify with so much of this. The holding onto the ledge and finally letting go (then falling and wondering where the bottom is, then realizing that there really isn't a bottom, just a continual process of "unknowing" or peeling back layers and layers of who I thought I was, etc.). The back and forth between freeze and flight for years. The caregiving that requires more than you have to give. I like the idea of my self sort of bubbling to the surface again, buoyed by water that's heavier than I am. And I agree that the phrase "letting go" is a problem. I tend to think that we look at letting go the wrong way round. In my experience what's attached to me let's go of me (it's "host) when I no longer have what it needs. Once I realized that I was a self, separate from others, a number of my codependent tendencies began to let go of me. I wasn't a good home for them anymore. Thank you, again and blessings as you make your way back up.
Love this aspect of “letting go”! Thank you for sharing, Emily!
I love the realisation you've shared about the other way around of letting go, that an attachment lets go of me, although I feel it's the phase that follows after realizing 'I'm attached" and "I let go of it so that it can let me go..." it's then a completion of going around in circles, finding the vertical flow of transcendence, overcoming a detrimental pattern and seeing proof in effortlessly attracting people who aren't locked in a host-parasite pattern. Cheers 💜
Yes, I think realizing and accepting the attachment (that it's there) is an important part of that process. Thank you!
I'm also intrigued by what you wrote further: "once I realized that I was a self, separate from others [...]" and want to invite you for a chat in a podcast if you're up for that ☺️
I think I’m up for that. Let’s talk about details. Can you DM me? Thank you!
Great! Will DM soon....
Sometimes winter itself causes me to hibernate - numb myself. Lay down on the ocean floor. This past winter I got caught doom scrolling from that place. My ability to break the mindless numbing scroll needed a reset. Sometimes the hardest thing is just to put two feet on the floor in the AM. I’m heading out to walk my dog in the morning drizzle. Heading into the forest. One step at a time. It’s milder out today.
Yep, me too... mostly hibernation last winter and one-step at the time dogwalking this morning but without drizzle ;) are you in Scotland too, since it was indeed milder today?
No. Vancouver bc
This was beautiful Anne even as you wrote it from the painful depths; thank you for sharing. I have also been in those depths, having suffered a sudden severe debilitating low-back injury two weeks after a long-planned move to Barcelona. It meant I had to cancel a dream trip to Machu Picchu & Chile, and focus on rest and healing. Surrendering control is so hard! But I am learning to listen to the lessons of my body and writing about it too over on my Substack because I know we’re not alone in finding ourselves flailing in emotional/physical pain & challenges. So many beautiful lessons even if they also piss me off😀my body has benched me temporarily from my big, beautiful, bountiful, bustling Barcelona life. I am beginning to understand there’s a reason for ‘why now.’ It’s humbling. Hope you continue to fall upwards, as the wise Franciscan priest Richard Rohr writes. In the second half of life, the sacred journey as opposed to the ego’s journey in the first half, we fall upwards—if we recognize our potential to do so and begin the climb.
Thank you, Amy! I’m so sorry to hear about your back. I hope you’re recovering rapidly!!
Happy that you are doing better, Anne. Thank you for sharing the vagus nerve video! I'm struggling with anxiety more often lately and your description of the crashing waves is a perfect analogy for what I'm experiencing too.
A note on surrender and letting go... a voice in my brain keeps telling me to become unglued. I've had it for weeks. It's encouraging me to acknowledge that I'm holding myself together for the wrong reasons. I think this is related to years and years of childhood trauma and oppression where I had to keep everything together. I had to hold onto a parent's secrets. I had to be the good girl, the sane one, and not fall apart. Well, now I am. And the voice is telling me it is ok.
I don't know if I'm "letting go" in the traditional sense, but for me, the time has come to 1. admit I need help 2. seek it. 3. trust that not one person who loves me will leave me if I'm anything less than capable.
Thank you for your brave heart!
Bravo to all of this, Michelle!! <3
I'm so glad you're here! Thank you for this. What you've written about resonates with me a lot. There are two particular things that it has me thinking about. One, is the medical issues that I dealt with this past fall; when I had my gall bladder attack, I had to ask for help. And I got help with my deep-seated medical trauma (that goes back to when I went through cancer as a baby); I am really grateful for all of the helpers.
I reached a point one day in the midst of it all this fall(I was waiting to be taken back for my first colonoscopy) where I was feeling so scared. I was doing self-talk, and breathing exercises, and all of the things--and then finally, I thought, "Well, so, I'm scared. What if I just feel scared?"
It's hard to fully convey what that felt like, but that change in perspective--just accepting that I felt scared--was huge. I felt scared, but a little less so (since I was no longer fighting it) and it did pass.
Another thing that I'm thinking about is how I've identified how I can get all tight and clenched up when I'm writing--usually when I'm trying to write in a way that's not authentic for me, or when I'm not sure what my point is, but I'm trying to power through and pretend that I have one. That is a physically different experience from what feels like "loose" writing--when I'm "in the zone," and enjoying myself, and just letting myself go and write what's occurring to me. They both require revision, of course, but the "looser" writing is always better. This is something I'm only recently recognizing; I'm curious to pay attention for it now.
Thank you for sharing, Monica!! Cancer as a baby is so traumatic. I’m learning so much about how trauma affects us for a lifetime, unless we accept that it happened to us and learn how to release the beliefs we’ve adopted as a result of it.
I love it: "what if I feel just scared" 💜
I'm so glad to read this post. I have been thinking about you, wondering if you were okay, since your previous post. I'm glad that you have found a way back to the surface.
I have been where you have been in the past. It is scary but, as you say, when you look for help and find the right help for you, it does end.
This is a brave post Anne, with so many heartfelt comments of folks going through the same thing. I’ve been to the bottom myself many times, and I feel like I get a little better at navigating it each time. What really helped last time was just zeroing in on the basics and doing that, managing my nervous system carefully and with a ton of self-compassion. I just focused on eating, sleep, rest, caring for my daughter and just did the bare minimum in all other areas. I invested in support, from more sessions with my coach to acupuncture and sushi runs. It really does seem the nervous system can get stuck in a rut and needs its time. Last time it happened to me I decided to investigate what lessons it was teaching me and I came away with really good learning.
I often read Emma Toms substack and thought of you. Women need to stand together. Reading Emma's posts has helped me a lot. Emma is based in Glasgow. Emma is a
wellness Facilitator based in the West End of Glasgow. A Reiki Master Teacher, Kundalini Yoga Teacher, Energy Worker and IEMT Practitioner. You can also find her at emmatoms.com
I'm so glad to see your post - been worried about you!
And I'm so sorry you've been stuck in the deep...the deep freeze, as it turns out. I've been there, too, and I've learned that it's just a stage you can't rush through. It just is, and we just have to let it happen. But when we come out on the other side, yes, there's hope! And I'm so glad you're feeling more positive and excited about things again!
Thank you, Melissa!
Courageous lady, Anne! Inspirational!
Anne what a soulful truth you’ve written!!!
How do your words fit exactly in every part of my life right now? Thank you for your wisdom and just being fucking honest!
I’m glad it spoke to you, Maggi!! <3